Chapter 58 He Means Nothing To Me
"He will be fine. It is not a deep cut; a week is all he needs for the wound to close up," Garrick explained to Lucien in front of Elian’s door.
Lucien didn’t speak; he only gave the man a nod and shut the door. He stood in front of the closed door a while, breathing slowly to steady his raging emotions.
"I did not do this to him, Lucien. I swear it," Lysandra said from the side of Elian’s bed.
Lucien remained quiet.
Lysandra sighed. "He is not the one I crave to kill, Lucien... he is not our enemy. You know this," she whispered the last part.
Finally, Lucien turned, slowly walking over to the other side of Elian’s bed, staring down at his sleeping face.
"You care about him—"
"I do not," Lucien cut Lysandra off, pinning her with a serious look.
Lysandra shook her head. "You know you do not have to be so hard on yourself, Lucien. None of this was your fault—"
"You know nothing, Lysandra," Lucien murmured.
Lysandra smiled. "I heard, Lucien. Just before I decided to go into the monastery for my sanity, I heard about your father. But do not let your past shape your future. If you care about the boy—"
"I do not care about him! He means nothing to me!" he snapped, his fists clenching beside him in suppressed anger.
He saw the empathetic look on Lysandra’s face as she stared down at Elian and froze.
He glanced down, and just as he thought, Elian was awake, staring blankly at the ceiling.
He swallowed hard, unsure of how to speak or how to act. Elian had heard him clearly saying to Lysandra that he meant nothing to him. He believed his words to be true, but why was he suddenly wishing for a way to put his words right?
Why was he looking to soften the meaning behind his words?
Why was he searching for excuses to give his captive that would exonerate his harsh words?
Elian didn’t look once at Lucien; he didn’t speak, either. There was nothing to say.
The better he adapted to his role, the better for him.
He already knew that Lucien hated and distrusted him. Lucien even thought he was molesting Lysandra outside on the balcony— what else couldn’t he accuse Elian of?
He wasn’t surprised by Lucien’s words; he was just reminded once again that whatever he thought was happening between them was all in his stupid head.
Impossible.
He and Lucien were impossible.
"How are you?" Lysandra asked, touching Elian’s forehead.
"I’m alright," Elian replied softly.
Lysandra gave him a small smile, patting Elian’s head.
"Thank you, for earlier," Elian said genuinely.
She nodded. "You’re welcome."
Elian closed his eyes, trying to push his guilt away. Lysandra was unaware that she had exposed her darkest secret to a person she hadn’t known for even twenty-four hours.
It scared him... what he was becoming. He didn’t want to be like the royals who manipulated people, even if his was on a different level.
Manipulation was still manipulation.
Lucien was conflicted with anger and frustration. He sensed that Elian was ignoring him and wanted to force him to speak to him, but he couldn’t do it without looking like he was genuinely seeking his attention.
So he stood there, not saying a word to his wounded attendant... because he didn’t care... right?
The door suddenly slammed open, startling everyone in the room.
"Oh, heavens! Whatever happened to you, Elian?!" Rowena hurried in, holding up her dress to walk faster.
Elian slowly shut his eyes, praying to the heavens to give him the grace and fortitude not to kick the princess of their kingdom to the ground.
The nerve she had!
Rowena paused beside Lysandra, taking her hand in shock. "I heard you found him bleeding, Lysandra. Did you see who did this preposterous act?" she asked in deep concern.
Lysandra shook her head. "I only found him as pale as a ghost, on the verge of passing out. Luckily, His Grace arrived just in time and took him away," she explained.
Rowena placed her hands on her chest, gasping softly. "Oh, poor Elian..." She leaned over, touching his shoulder. "It must have been so traumatic for your innocent soul. Who is so evil to hurt you, Elian? Can you tell us? I promise, I will seek justice for you," she asked gently, her eyes getting slightly teary like she was about to cry.
Elian turned his face away, ignoring her.
"Do not be silent, Elian. Answer the princess and be grateful she is being concerned," Lucien finally spoke, frowning at Elian’s rudeness.
Elian still didn’t speak.
Speaking would only get him in trouble because he would never speak a lie. Rather, he’d remain silent.
None of those people in his room were ready to accept the truth. If he told them, they would either think it was blasphemy or just jealousy. It was better to be silent.
"Easy, my love. The young man must still be in shock," Rowena said. "It’s okay, Elian. I understand if you cannot speak now, but I promise you, whoever is responsible must be punished accordingly." She touched the dressed wound gently.
"I will leave you to rest now. Have a good night, Elian," Rowena murmured.
Elian gritted his teeth, feeling his chest tighten so hard he couldn’t breathe.
"I will walk you to your chambers, my Princess," Lucien said, walking over to open the door for Rowena.
With a heavy heart, Elian watched Lucien take Rowena’s hand and lead her out of his chamber, leaving him with Lysandra.
"You will be alright, Elian," Lysandra said calmly.
Elian glanced at her. She looked so far away, like she was reminiscing about that dreadful event.
"You will be alright, I know it," she whispered.
Elian inhaled softly. "Thank you, Lady—"
"Please, call me Lysandra. Titles... I see them as a mockery," she chuckled.
Elian smiled softly. "Very well, then. Thank you, Lysandra."
Lysandra nodded. "I will leave you to rest now, Elian. Heal, be happy even when the world demands otherwise from you. You live only once; never let an incident of life dictate your mood for the rest of your life. Be kind to yourself... you’re the only one you have." She leaned down and kissed his forehead.
"Good night, Elian," she whispered and slowly walked out of the room.
Elian released a long, quiet sigh, staring at the door.
"I’m the only one I have," he murmured to himself.
Lysandra was right. He was almost starting to hate himself, to judge himself. But none of this was his fault to start with; he was only a victim of circumstance. It was Lucien’s fault—everything was Lucien’s fault—and he was no longer going to let himself wonder exactly what he’d done wrong.
Nothing. He had done absolutely nothing wrong.
It was Lucien who had a problem, so Lucien should be the one worrying about his problems.
Elian’s only problems were safety and freedom, and he knew he’d get them in the end, with his mother too.
Was he going to tell Lucien about his blood? Definitely not.
He was already bound this closely to Lucien because of his ability; if Lucien learned about his blood, there might be a physical chain around his neck. He would take that secret to his grave.
He swallowed softly, staring at the door for a very long time. He was hoping someone might return... Lucien.
But after an hour, he knew Lucien wasn’t coming back. After all, Lucien didn’t care about him. Why should he return to his bedside when he could be with his princess the whole night?
Elian frowned, Lucien’s voice ringing in his ears.
"He does not care about me. I mean nothing to him," he repeated Lucien’s crude words.
"Then so be it," he muttered.
Lucien wanted a pleasure body; that was exactly what he’d get. Elian was no longer going to let himself indulge; he was going to make it solely about Lucien because that was what everything was about: Lucien.
He had no right to refuse Lucien his body, but he had every right to refuse Lucien his emotions.
He was choosing himself; he was choosing to be kind to himself.
After a while of thinking, Elian drifted to sleep, and that night, he dreamt over and over again about that moment on the balcony.
For just how long was he going to be tormented by everyone around him?
***
Morning came slowly, and Elian managed to bathe and dress himself.
"The carriage is ready, Sire," Charity said to Elian as he pulled his gloves up his hands.
"Thank you, Charity," Elian said, staring at the bed for a last time.
Hopefully, he would never return back here.
"Have a safe travel, Sire," Charity waved as Elian headed to the door.
Elian paused, glancing over his shoulder. "Have a safe life, Charity. I mean it." With that, he left the room.
He hadn’t seen Lucien since he left the chamber last night, and as he walked past the door, something told him Lucien didn’t spend the night in there, either.
Whatever, he didn’t care.
He walked through the grand hall and saw maids diligently clearing the room of what remained from the ball last night. Everyone seemed busy, and he still couldn’t find Lucien anywhere.
He stepped out onto the courtyard and found Lucien and Rowena standing beside the dark, royal carriage.
"No," he murmured.
If Rowena was returning with them, then his death was truly near.
"May I take you to your carriage, my moon?" Cassian spoke softly beside Elian.
Elian blinked away from the couple and faced the handsome man beside him.
"Good morning, Cassian," he greeted.
Cassian smiled, taking Elian’s gloved hands and gently pulling him in. "Can you not go?" he whispered.
Elian chuckled bitterly. "I do not want to go... but I do not want to stay here, either," he muttered.
Cassian leaned back, staring at Elian’s face. "I’m sorry I cannot give you the information you seek. It is simply not my place to speak it." He sounded genuinely sad.
Elian nodded. "I understand. It is not your problem, but mine. I will find a way to find the truth," he stated firmly.
Cassian’s hands tightened slightly over Elian’s shoulders as he leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Please, promise me you’ll be careful. The royals are not what they seem to be. Promise me you’ll be safe."
Elian frowned. "Do you mean the Duke?" he couldn’t help questioning.
Cassian sighed. "Him. And every other royal. Trust no one, Elian." He touched Elian’s cheek.
"If you ever feel like you want to run away from everything, write to me... I will bring you to my home. You will like it there, I promise," Cassian said, smiling softly.
Elian had a lot of questions, but with so little time.
"Lysandra?" he asked, glancing around for the kind, beautiful woman.
Cassian chuckled. "She hates goodbyes. She sends her well wishes."
Elian nodded. "Tell her... tell her that I love her, truly, truly love her, and she should love herself too."
Cassian paused. "...Did she say anything to you?" he asked cautiously.
Elian blinked, darting his eyes around. "Um, nothing of great importance. She just showed me the kindness and love I desire, and she said such encouraging words to me, and for that, I love her," he said, smiling.
Cassian sighed. "Come, I will take you to your carriage." He took Elian’s hand and gently led him down the stairs.
As they approached, Elian could sense the way Lucien was deliberately avoiding him, and before he even arrived, Lucien kissed Rowena and got into the carriage.
"I will help you," Cassian took Elian beside the door, but instead of helping him up, he placed a brief kiss on Elian’s lips, shocking the younger man.
Beside them, Rowena froze like a statue. Almost immediately, her eyes moved to the open carriage door, pinning Lucien with horrified, suspicious eyes.
Never did she think that men could do that, but now that she knew... she couldn’t stop imagining the worst-case scenario.
Her eyes landed on Elian’s flushed face as Cassian helped him up into the carriage.
She used to hold back; next time, she was going to finish the job.
She did not want to know if her thoughts were true or false; all she knew was that Elian had to die, and fast.